His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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