Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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