what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
