he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
