Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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