dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
