someone threw a dead crab at me
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
