ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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