Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
