everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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