I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
