Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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