And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
