my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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