I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
