So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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