roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
