great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
