so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
