Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
