What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
