Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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