he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
