I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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