I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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