She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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