I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We have so much sex to catch up on
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
