Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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