I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
