You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
