you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
