I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
