she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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