There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
