he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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