Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
