my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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