I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
