You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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