Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
