I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
