I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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