I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
