So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
