we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
