so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
