I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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