3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You pole danced in your parka.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
