Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
