so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
